HSIK-90

She came into the room as confident as she could. Her father was reading in his huge armchair, but as soon she came in, he lifted his eyes from the book right into hers.  “You want to talk?” he asked with a calm deep voice, that made her feel instantly uneasy.  “Yes”, she answered as confident as she could, but her voice cracked a little. She cleared her throat trying to remember the words she had practiced, but now seeing her father’s waiting stare, she felt fear.  “So? What do you want to say?” father asked again with a calm voice, but now she heard an anxious sound with it, as if he had known what was coming.  “I’m leaving”, were the only words she was able to get out of her mouth. All she had practiced, had slipped away from her mind. Shaking feeling started to take her legs and her head felt dizzy. She looked at her father’s stare, which seemed to burn right through her.  Just when she was ready to run away and let all be, father opened his mouth and said: “Okay.” She didn’t know how to feel. For weeks she had been preparing herself for this moment. She had practiced a speech that would change her father’s mind to let her go. Where was all that anger she had expected? Where were words telling her she can’t go? She stared at him feeling that this couldn’t be her father.  “Just okay? Really?” she asked, feeling sudden anger toward her father. Father took his reading glasses off and closed the book he had been reading. He stood up and walked to stand right in front of her daughter. She felt shivers run down her back thinking here the anger comes.  “Toby told me last week. He talked to me like man to man. Because of him, I understand how important this is for you. I think you need to thank him”, father said, making her feel ashamed.  “So you let me go? You really let me go?” she asked and saw a little nod from her father.  “I’m letting you go, but I have a requirement”, he said, making her sigh. “Hey, don’t give me that attitude right now, or I will change my mind. You are my little angel, I can’t stand the idea of something happening to you and I can’t be there to help you!” “Sorry”, she said quietly, holding the second sighing inside. “What is your requirement?” “I want you to take Toby with you”, he said, making her feel shocked. “What? Are you serious? But you have always been telling me he is a bad influence!” “That was before I talked with him. I still don’t like the idea of you having feelings for him, but he is a good pal. Besides, you don’t know anything about the outside world, but he does. He can keep you safe. If you go with him, I know you will come back”, father said. Without warning, she jumped to hug him. His eyes got wide and now it was his turn to feel shocked. She had not hugged him like that for years. “Thank you! I love you!” she said with tears running down on her cheeks. He put his hands around her and pulled her tightly closer. He already felt regret for promising her to leave, he didn't want to let her go from that hug, but he knew there was nothing to stop her. Quietly he shed a couple tears himself. She was like her mother had been, wild and stubborn, always doing what she wanted. But still she would always be his little angel. He felt fear that this was the last time he could hold her like that. She wasn’t a child anymore, but a young woman, who had the whole world waiting. Now was his time to let her go. 

Grass was waving like the sea calling for sailors. Leaves in trees were singing their last song before flying along the autumn wind. I felt warm in that oversized jacket. It had Rex's smell, which was a mix of tobacco, sweat and deodorant. I sniffed the smell feeling my cheeks blush a little and butterflies flap inside. I knew I should just tell him, how I feel, but it proved to be more harder than I thought. He was so stone face most of the time that it was hard to know what he was thinking. But at the same time he was really easy to read when he got embarrassed or he felt uneasy. Mostly he was easy to read when he got angry, as his neck got red when he did. At first I thought he was angry all the time, because he was frowning a lot, but after a while I realized that his frowning could also mean he had deep thoughts. It quickly became easier to recognize his anger and thinking from each other. After that it was a piece of cake to read him. I let my hands slip into the pockets. On right pocket he had a half empty tobacco box, lighter and some change he hadn’t put in his wallet. On the left pocket I felt his pocket knife that he had gotten from his father as a little boy. He had told me he was carrying it around as a good luck charm, but I had also seen how he killed a man with it. I pulled my hands away, almost feeling blood staining my hand. He was scary sometimes. If needed, he was able to kill without hesitation, but later he processed it by drinking himself to sleep while crying. He thought no-one knew about him crying, but almost everyone knew, it just was not spoken out loud. Whenever I knew he was there alone, crying and drinking, I wanted to go to him, but I was afraid to do so. What if he started to hate me, if he knew I knew? “We are leaving.” I flinched strongly when I heard Rex speaking behind me. His voice was deep and rough. I turned around and saw him standing there watching me. He had only a light long sleeve shirt on and I saw him wearing a gunvest for his two pistols. He didn’t use the vest, unless there was a higher chance that he needed the pistols quickly. His pistols were loaded and ready for action all the time, but normally he kept them safely in his bag. Seeing them made me feel uneasy and to remember the danger was out there. We were going to be moving again, traveling from one base to the other. Who knew what would be waiting for us midway. I looked at him in his eyes and was charmed by his handsome look all over again. He wasn’t handsome in a beautiful way like a prince or some actor, but he was handsome in a rough manly way. He had two days old stubble, his hair was messy and he had some dirt on his face. He was tall and muscular, but not really skinny. He was a man who made you feel safe and who you knew you could trust. He lifted his other eye brow giving me a questioning look. “What?” he asked while staring back at me. “What?” I asked, my voice sounding way too high for normal emotions. I felt myself blush and I had a hard time keeping my poker face. He walked up to me and suddenly lifted his hand on my forehead. “You sick or something?” he asked, but I quickly pushed his hand away. “I’m fine, no need to worry. Here, take your jacket back”, I said and started to open it, but he put his hand on mine stopping me. I lifted my eyes back at him, feeling suddenly how hard it was to breath as my heart speeded up. “No, keep it. I’m feeling hot anyway”, he said and turned his back to me and started to walk toward the truck. Liar, I thought, as a cold wind blew past me and I saw him shiver slightly. The truck was loaded ready and they were just waiting for us to get on. With quick steps I walked after him. As we came to the truck, I found out that all the seats were taken and I had to go on back to travel on all the stuff. Rex had gotten on and gave me his hand and helped me in. I heard happy laughter and talking from further inside and as my eyes started to get used to dark, I saw that we were not only once in there. There were mostly soldiers at the back, because the seats were taken by high ranks and civilians. Usually I had been lucky to get on a seat, but that day I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I had been the last one to get on and had to sit where I could find space. I stumbled in and saw that there weren't really any spots left. I saw only one spot, which I immediately counted to go for Rex. But as I stood there looking for another spot, I suddenly felt hands pulling me down. I stumbled and landed down on someone's lap. I looked up ready to snap my tongue to whoever was this rude to yank me like that, but as I saw it to be Rex, I lost my words. “Sit here. You are so small that I barely notice your weight”, Rex said and relaxed. I ended up just nodding and blushed with a small smile on my lips. “Oh man, Pixi! You are blushing, aren’t you? You like Rex or something?” I looked up in panic. I hadn’t noticed him before, but now I saw Leon sitting right in front of us smiling his wigged smile. Of course it had to be him to sit there seeing it all, as he loved teasing me whenever he got change. Nothing seemed to get past him. He was like an annoying older brother making sure his sister would be shamed in front of his cool friends. I quickly wanted to deny his words, but I ended up just opening and closing my mouth not getting a sound out. I had never been a good liar, so I didn't know how to respond. “Oh yeah?” Rex said quietly right next to my ear before I was able to say anything. I felt his hand sliding under the jacket touching my back. It was such a small gesture that I doubted that anyone, even Leon, even noticed. My breathing stopped and I lifted my eyes and saw him looking back at me. He never smiled, like never, but at that moment I was sure I saw a hint of a smile on his lips. Did he feel the same? Unbelieving my own thoughts, I turned my face away seeing Leon playing with his hand like they were me and Rex kissing. Luckily he soon turned to his mates to joke around. As the truck finally started moving, I could barely hear what was talked around us. I just sat there blushing while my heart beated fast. Rex's hand caressed my back gently. Time to time I heard my name from Leon and some teasing about me blushing and looking all cute at Rex’s lap. I even heard someone say that I was like Rex's pet. It made me feel embarrassed, but Rex didn't seem to care. He just sat there relaxed and petted my back making me feel at least slightly better. As the road just kept going, talking quieted down. This was one of rare opportunities for all to rest. I started to feel the exhaustion from the past days. I had been working a lot and hadn't really had time to sleep. It got harder and harder to keep my eyes open and my head nodded, waking me up. At some point I felt Rex pull me closer, pressing my head against his warm chest. I heard his heart's calm rhythm, like a lullaby trying to make me more sleepy. I tried to fight the sleep, but in the end I lost and slided in a warm dream. I felt his hands around me making me feel safe. After many years of restless sleeping, I slept for the first time without any nightmares.